turbo slut

I have lots of boyfriends. That’s what I call the guys I’m either interested in, or sleeping with. Honestly, I’ve turned into what my best friend has called a turbo-slut. I have had sex with more people during this one month of my life than in the last few years to be completely honest.

Usually, I’m having lots of sex with one man. I usually have insisted that sex be kept up to at least once a day. In my freaking dreams. I have some issues with sex. I’m sure has become obvious or has been obvious to anyone that even remotely knows me. Some would shallowly call me a nympho. I’m not sure that fits. I won't do just anything just to get some.

Some misinterpret my easily talking about sex, as a constant desire for it. This is generally what I do when uncomfortable. Sometimes, I talk about it blatantly for shock value. As a way of saying fuck you and your conservative tight ass, at least I can say what is on my mind. Yeah, I have some angst.

I just let it all out. I hardly filter anything. Sometimes, I can be hurtfully honest. Sometimes I’m refreshingly honest. Usually, though, I’m just scaring off the wimps. Scaring off the kids that can't handle whatever is inside of me. Something I consider ugly? If you don't know me - then I will only try to gain your approval, and not actually show you anything about me, except of course, what I think you want to see. It’s pretty fucking sad, I know.

I achieved these talents by leading a double life during the whole Jehovah Witness phase of my life. My best friend, Stephanie, asked me if I had any sales experience... I said does 16 years of being a Jehovah’s Witness count for anything. How about leading a double life for at least 6 years before I got out of it. Thank god I got out at 16.

I am completely over the whole organized religion bit. I don't necessarily buy the fucking bible. I’m not sure what is there, I think there is something, just don't really know what. I have my own spirituality and all, I just won't - let me repeat- won't buy into the church culture just to attain some sort of community, when I have so many differing beliefs. The first of which being, I like having independent thoughts. Anyway, enough about that. Lets just say I have a lot of guilt on my shoulders about a lot of things.

To add to that laundry list, sex with people that I don't love, or even have any emotional connection with, I feel pretty guilty about. However, the more I do it, the easier it is.

So basically, the only guy that I have had, shall we say, several sexual encounters with, is my cop boyfriend. He’s older, around 32 I think. He’s got two kids that I haven't met. Two kids, daughter age 12, son age 10 that I don't think I’ll ever meet. See, the cop and I, we are two people who really aren't ready for a relationship, however enjoy each other’s company, and of course there is the sex. We have fun together, laugh, fuck, and it's all dangerous and illegal. He’s also my direct superior in the military. So, you can imagine how much I got off on that, and vice versa. I’m also still technically married. But, since he (the ex-fuck face husband) is fucking other girls or girl... it's free range.

Honestly, I wonder if he cheated on me. I doubt anything physical, but emotional, yeah. Anyway, that shit just makes me angry.

Back to the cop. honestly, until recently, the sex really hasn't cut it. I was more attracted to him and his personality, and that shiny new suit everyone wears when they first date someone. Unfortunately, I was fooled again. What sucked was that I actually did feel something for the guy. And it turns out, this relationship, just like my fucked up marriage, is just about sex. Based on sex. This is not what I really want. I enjoy sleeping next to him. I enjoy the sex, now, finally. I think he must have been incredibly nervous before. We’ve been screwing for a few months now. He’s finally given me my second or third orgasm in that span of time... but trust me the sex is much better.

We have discussed being exclusive. He said that he wasn't going to be with anyone else. He doesn't have the desire to be with anyone else. He also said that he understands that I need to explore, and he doesn't have a problem with me sleeping with other people. At least that is what I gleaned from the whole fucked up conversation. So, when he's away, which is most of the time, I play. Meaning, I sleep with my ex, I have a threesome, I sleep with someone I’ve just met... etcetera. Those things are all fun, only, I feel like I’m doing wrong by him. Even though, all he wants from me, and he's pretty much expressed this to me openly, is sex. "We can get to know each other." I think that we have already fucked it up. There have been some moments where, I thought, okay, I could do this. There have been some moments where we have been extremely intimate, not sexual, intimate. Only, those moments are foreshadowed with the premature sex thing. And I’m always wondering if I’m being tricked.

Fuck. I need to go to bed. I wish I could read minds, find out whether or not he really liked me, so far I think that I’m just his fuck buddy. He hasn't shown any sign of getting closer to me. When I ask him for time, he doesn't have it, or doesn’t think to make some for me. Everything is when it's convenient for him. I know that I should just walk away. He doesn't care for me anyhow. Why get attached? Just like with the ex-fuck face husband. I had to walk away, before being ripped apart.

I’m such a fucking confessional little girl. It’ll be the death of me.

emails.

starting again. and again. and again. and are the drugs still actually working? I don't know I feel less now. Or maybe it's that I care less. Fuck, I'm not any kind of specialist.

yeah.. it's like i don't know if it's me or my sexuality.. that should be a song lyric..
don't know if it's me
or my sexuality...

pinback ... we ran for pinback.. drunkish.

yeah.. when i get rich and bored ... i'm going to do the whole thing .. splooshing .. i think it's called where you put food all over you and sit on cakes naked.. yeah.. i could see how that would be fun!

it sucks to be right. it sucks to be wrong.

I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want all of the terrible things that I thought about him to be real. I didn’t want him to be so transparent. I can see his ugly insides so easily. He remains emotionless. He cares only for his ego, his stupid fucking ego. It’s crazy to be jealous of something so abstract. To be hurt by someone’s defensive nature.

I never wanted to change him. I don’t think that that is what a relationship is about. I think it’s about seeing each other’s qualities and weaknesses and making them stronger. Two are stronger than one. Time like layers makes weak relationships fail and strong relationships stronger. The same is true of distance, of children. We could hardly come close to strong. We didn’t have the foundation of a relationship. We were never friends. We never will be. He is the only serious relationship that I’ve had where that was true. The only one I didn’t have a friendship with first. Why attempt one ever? I don’t want to be hurt by him any longer. I’m pulling the tooth. I should have done it long ago.

No more boys. No more men to cloud and hide what I truly fear. What is it that I’m hiding from? What is it that I’m running from? All my life I’ve been running. Always seeking distraction. Well, it’s time to look myself in the head, the heart, and the soul. It’s time to figure it out. Like Daddy always said… “There’s nothing to it, but to do it.”

gagging

20 calories...

that's all it is... well, your average delectable portion size.

i swallow. i'm not entirely sure why i do it. maybe it's just the easiest way to clean up. i wonder if that is a sin... i'm sure that it is to someone out there. am i eating seedlings? am i digesting little
tiny half people? i know that it probably adds to the experience of cumming for him. i love to feel the sensation of his release into my mouth. talk about exciting.

so, yeah i love to suck cock.

i actually love to 69. it's one of my favorites.

so, i'm going at it, and he is definitely going at it. i'm watching his toes curl and feet squirm. i'm taking him deep in my mouth. he also likes to fuck my face... hey, whatever gets you off.

so, something happens that has never happened before. i took his cock in too deep. it wailed the back of my throat like a jackhammer, tickled my puke mechanism. and then... i couldn't believe it. i had puked on his fucking cock... i managed to contain it in my mouth. he was completely surprised when i jumped up holding my mouth shut, running to the bathroom sink to spit it out. of course i was overwhelmed and grossed out and laughing all at the same time, as i spit the little bit of puke into the sink.

he was all... what happened? are you okay? i was just laughing. i told him what had happened and proceeded to wash my mouth out with some mouth wash. then i climbed right back on, came all over his face several times, and made him cum in my mouth.

i guess a little puke can't scare away the desire to get him off, while he's getting me off.

i'd like to say that after that beautiful moment... him cumming in my mouth... my cum all over his face... i'd like to say that we fell asleep, softly. i'd like to say that soon after the incredible sex, we fell asleep arm in arm... safe... warm... comfortable. i'd like to say that he ran his fingertips lightly over my body, till we both fell asleep... with delightfully flushed faces and bodies moist and exhausted.

unfortunately, we had to fuck it up with conversation.

and ... that is an entirely different story.

quick notes

He torments me with silence.
He smothers me with distance.

He works on my face without words.
He pushes me around without fingers.

He makes me hungry for his eyes, his lips, his ears.
He makes me hungry for him.

And I understand why he should stay away.

He has plenty to be afraid of.
I’m wrought with tempting dangers.

I’m jeopardy on wheels.
I’m a scandal waiting to happen.

I’m the forbidden fruit, ripe and sweet.

And what's worse... I like him.

We can't all be boy scouts, at least not all of the time.

Maybe he knows what his weakness is.
Maybe that is why he stays away.
Did he tell me this would happen?
Did he try to warn me?

I feel like I’m begging for distraction.
I feel lost on the inside.
I feel like I have given up too much.
Thrown too much of me into the light.
Ah... I don't care. I love the light.

Fuck me up. I can take it.

I’m not afraid of pain. Bring it to me
seasoned with moments of beauty and
clarity. I’ll eat the Brussels sprouts as well
as the hearts of men. Delicious.