it sucks to be right. it sucks to be wrong.

I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want all of the terrible things that I thought about him to be real. I didn’t want him to be so transparent. I can see his ugly insides so easily. He remains emotionless. He cares only for his ego, his stupid fucking ego. It’s crazy to be jealous of something so abstract. To be hurt by someone’s defensive nature.

I never wanted to change him. I don’t think that that is what a relationship is about. I think it’s about seeing each other’s qualities and weaknesses and making them stronger. Two are stronger than one. Time like layers makes weak relationships fail and strong relationships stronger. The same is true of distance, of children. We could hardly come close to strong. We didn’t have the foundation of a relationship. We were never friends. We never will be. He is the only serious relationship that I’ve had where that was true. The only one I didn’t have a friendship with first. Why attempt one ever? I don’t want to be hurt by him any longer. I’m pulling the tooth. I should have done it long ago.

No more boys. No more men to cloud and hide what I truly fear. What is it that I’m hiding from? What is it that I’m running from? All my life I’ve been running. Always seeking distraction. Well, it’s time to look myself in the head, the heart, and the soul. It’s time to figure it out. Like Daddy always said… “There’s nothing to it, but to do it.”