hearts of space

my heart is running on empty. my love is cheap. my legs are open. i seek no sleep. my head is restless and idle. i cannot weep. i feel that the feeling is going, i'm falling asleep. my love is on pins and needles. it's a bloody pile. it's just a mess. i haven't any patience. i long for no one. i want only a dangling carrot. give it to me and i'll run away. no, i'm lying. i won't stop running. i want to trust. i want to be hurt again. fuck me up. finger my soul. make my cheeks glow. here i need to be alone. surrounded. seal me in tight. make me face my insides. make me taste myself. make it so that i'm okay being alone. time wash over me. how did i get here? there was a series of steps. i was running. i was running. how do i stop? how do i face it? how do i attack it? everything is so fucking wrong. why am i not living the life that i want? it's all about me. forget you. i'll listen to you next week, maybe. i'm never sure of anything. the way i figure it that makes me sane. or maybe on the safer side of fucked. once you think you got it all spelled out, and you're connecting the dots, well, your fucked. your in your own comfortably fucked up palace. you've got your servants and your masters. you seek out something perfect, something ideal and you are only about to fail. you seek out your spot, your niche, your little crevices in this silly suicide temple. can't figure it out? can't make it work? good. life's got to hold some sort of mystery. just like people. otherwise, you find everything a whole lot more beige. a whole lot more blah, blah. a whole lot more of what you don't want, mixed in with what you might want. shit, deciding has always been the hardest part. or was it overcoming my laziness? i am an expert procrastinator. that is one freaking thing that i have mastered. i need to wake up. i need to push the haze aside. i need to spread apart something other than my legs. let my brain do some exploring. let it have it's way with me. cut everyone off. everyone, including my carnal self. no more sex for you. accomplish something, and i'll let you get fucked. take away my drug. take away my passion for running. fuck. i'm fucked. i feel like i'm at the summit and it's time to go back down. climbing down is only easy if your falling.