I hate it when my friends hurt.

I hate it when my friends hurt. I mean I feel it. If someone does some terrible shit to someone I love, well, I cry. I’m completely serious. I feel so useless and helpless when I can’t protect them. I know that I can’t be there every moment to stand behind them, but I’m pretty sure that they know that I’m a little bit inside of them, maybe they remember something that I said, something that made them feel good, something that was true and beautiful and there it is inside of them, something that makes them glow, inside of the ones I love, just as I have them inside of me. This is how I’m never alone. This is the power of memories.

And the ones I love make me glow. I think about bad dreams and people doing mean things to my best friends, to my family, to my lover, and I think about how I can conquer it? How can I heal them, let them know that I love them, let them feel that ever healing compassion that I have for them? Talk about beauty on the inside. I see it in them. I feel it. It’s completely obvious to me. I try to let them see what I see.

I am so lucky to have the amazing family that I have. Being at home (my New York home) was so good for me. It let me remember that distance means nothing when love is involved. Being with my brothers and sister and parents and grandparents and aunties and uncles and cousins was beautiful. I love them so much and they love me so much. Forgive me for how much I’m going to sound –completely cheerful- but that is really what it feels like. Hugs are impossible to measure. Hugs feel so good when you know that all someone wants is to love you and know you. It was healing that I truly needed. I couldn’t quite get my head on straight or focus my aim quite right without having my family there to tell me that they love me, no matter what, and whether or not divorce had scarred my life… even just a little. I did get to relax and had a great time with my brother David and my little sister Cando. Although, I think that Cando is getting into a load of trouble, hell, we all did it, in some way.


I am so very lucky to have the amazing friends that I have. I went home and I was able to see my best friends. First of all, Amy and G-Romeo hung out with me briefly before going to Cape May, NJ. I have been a best friend of Amy for over ten years. Then I got to sleep over her house the night before I left. We discussed wedding stuff. I’m excited about it, even if it’s two years out. Cuddling with Amy is honestly priceless, we are very close, and she is very special to me. I hung out with Tolstoy and Clodagh, we painted the town. I even saw John, my ex of a million years; it was a lot like good old friendship. Although, I had been avoiding him, because I’m dumb sometimes. I thought that he wouldn’t want to see me, since I have a boyfriend. We are good friends and I should have remembered that. I didn’t get to see a lot of people, and I definitely missed a hell of a lot of people.

My beautiful boyfriend, Daeman, wow did I miss him. I mean Jesus F – ing Christ, I missed him. Even though we spoke what seems like a million times on the phone, seeing him again made my knees weak. The thought of kissing him again gave me butterflies. Then you can imagine what happened when we did actually kiss. I said –God Damn! I’m so looking forward to seeing him tonight. Tonight should be delicious. Yeah! I win!

Ivy stayed over last night, and she got to meet Daeman. She liked him right away. It was so good to see Ivy. I mean one minute we are living together baring our souls and the next I never see her anymore. I guess that is what happens when your husband comes back from Iraq. Honestly, I’m happy for them, sad that Ivy’s hubby didn’t get the better job with better hours like less than a bazillion hours away from her. Fucking Marine Corp. So, hopefully we will have more time together while James (her beautiful husband –inside and out) is away in the field. I freaking love that girl. Oh, and Daeman asked her all these questions about what she likes and doesn’t like about me, and she said some beautiful things. Wow, I’m loved. It’s amazing when you love, and then you are loved back.

Stephanie. Well, honestly I can’t say enough about Stephanie. I missed her so much. I felt like I had a Stephanie shaped hole inside of me when I hadn’t seen her in a whole week. She is amazing. She is beautiful. She is so fucking funny. And – she isn’t being treated very well at all by all the folks living in her house and that pisses me off. I mean seriously, smarten the hell up you bastards. I just hate it when her family lies to her, and hides shit from her, hurts her. I wish that everyone in Stephanie’s life loved her the way that I do. I love her, GIGANTIC! She deserves so much more than what she is getting. I love her. We get each other. I really need to dedicate an entire post just to her.

I missed Jen. I missed Sarah. I missed Alex. I missed Danielle –she’s a huge part of why I’m finally writing in this. I missed my roommates to be –Dan and Ivana, (thank you so much for standing up for me even with my ridiculously poor credit). I even missed my roommate who took it upon himself to sleep in my bed with his girlfriend and his dog. Yuk! There are no dogs allowed in my bed of any species. Now I got to wash all of it. Damn it. It was totally disrespectful. I really shouldn’t have expected that much from him anyhow, I mean seriously why would I expect the common courtesy of not sleeping in my bed while I’m gone to actually take place. At least put your own sheets on the fucker. I hate complaining about petty shit. I want to pee on his bed (with him in it).