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What does, "I need time and space" mean? I need your opinion.
I know that lately my posts have been completely uplifting... so here is some more of that.
Here is a comment on my friends blog - Danielle (she rocketh the Casbah)
I think that you know that we share this fear of abandonment. I do the same thing, either hold on so tight to the relationship that I strangle it to death, suffocating the fire that at one time had lit up my soul, extinguishing any desire for either of us to stay, as I look at the one who gets to share this miserable experience with me with resentment and with the attitude of -you're making me this monster for loving me in the first place, idiot. The other side is this cold emotionless state of un-Ruth-ness. I mean I'm paralyzed with fear, so the mask goes on, I don't fucking care about you right now, I won't let you have me, you'll just rip my heart out of my chest and kill me while I watch, you bastard.
I'm a little sad right now, because well, I got those "I need time and space" words. My friend, my straight guy on speed-dial tells me that that is guy speak for -It's over, but I'll string you along while I go out and have fun, and look around, and I'll probably get interested in other people, and get in their pants and keep you around for whatever I can get out of you, because I know that I have you on the hook.
So, umm, I'd like a second opinion. Can anyone give me an honest translation of those words - I need time and space... followed shortly thereafter by -I don't want any contact with you right now...
Please lay it on me... I don't want the story book answer.
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August 31, 2005 • Wednesday
hearts of space
hearts of space
my heart is running on empty. my love is cheap. my legs are open. i seek no sleep. my head is restless and idle. i cannot weep. i feel that the feeling is going, i'm falling asleep. my love is on pins and needles. it's a bloody pile. it's just a mess. i haven't any patience. i long for no one. i want only a dangling carrot. give it to me and i'll run away. no, i'm lying. i won't stop running. i want to trust. i want to be hurt again. fuck me up. finger my soul. make my cheeks glow. here i need to be alone. surrounded. seal me in tight. make me face my insides. make me taste myself. make it so that i'm okay being alone. time wash over me. how did i get here? there was a series of steps. i was running. i was running. how do i stop? how do i face it? how do i attack it? everything is so fucking wrong. why am i not living the life that i want? it's all about me. forget you. i'll listen to you next week, maybe. i'm never sure of anything. the way i figure it that makes me sane. or maybe on the safer side of fucked. once you think you got it all spelled out, and you're connecting the dots, well, your fucked. your in your own comfortably fucked up palace. you've got your servants and your masters. you seek out something perfect, something ideal and you are only about to fail. you seek out your spot, your niche, your little crevices in this silly suicide temple. can't figure it out? can't make it work? good. life's got to hold some sort of mystery. just like people. otherwise, you find everything a whole lot more beige. a whole lot more blah, blah. a whole lot more of what you don't want, mixed in with what you might want. shit, deciding has always been the hardest part. or was it overcoming my laziness? i am an expert procrastinator. that is one freaking thing that i have mastered. i need to wake up. i need to push the haze aside. i need to spread apart something other than my legs. let my brain do some exploring. let it have it's way with me. cut everyone off. everyone, including my carnal self. no more sex for you. accomplish something, and i'll let you get fucked. take away my drug. take away my passion for running. fuck. i'm fucked. i feel like i'm at the summit and it's time to go back down. climbing down is only easy if your falling.



I wrote the above stuffage on Friday, June 03, 2005 and I feel it today. Thanks for bringing this back to my mind Danielle; it is one of those extremely honest posts on my -just for me and complete strangers- blog.

Oh and for something completely -bust your gut funny... this website is one of the funniest things that I have ever come in contact with. The Best Page In the Universe. Just cuz I think I need a little laughter after the shit that I wrote today.
Currently listening: Staring at the Sea: The Singles By The Cure Release date: By 25 October, 1990
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Betrayal, Heartbreak, Dentistry Current mood: crushed
I wish that I knew how to feel. Honestly I’m heartbroken. He betrayed my trust. I can’t be with someone that I cannot trust. It’s so high school. I’m so disappointed.

He just gave it all away. I was willing to give him everything. I was willing to love him, love his kids as if they were mine, marry him, and have kids with him. I feel utterly foolish. I feel lied to, I feel used. He’s mistreated me. He’s fucked with my head, made me feel loved, made me love him, and for what? So that he could turn around and fuck me over? He is probably with Kelly again. Maybe he’s not. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want any contact with me, and I think that is a good thing, and at the same time, I have little faith in his ability to be alone, probably because he has little faith in his own ability to be alone. He hasn’t been straight with me. If he’s willing to betray my trust he’s willing to do a hell of a lot more than that.

I understand that he has probably never been with someone like me. I am a very strong, very honest person, and he could have learned a lot from me. He may not even know that he’s mistreating me in the ways that he is, and he’s feeling guilty for something, he just doesn’t know what (as far as I go). I know he feels guilty about how he handled everything with Kelly. I feel guilty about how everything went down. I actually care for her, even though she’ll never believe this, and I understand that. I agree that a relationship should fail on it’s own, and not have it’s death aided by an outside person. I hate that I was that person. I said, “It’s either quick death or slow death.” As far as relationships destined to fail go. At the same time, I feel like he’s holding onto her. He’s keeping things from his daughter, almost like, if this thing doesn’t work out with Ruth, well then, I can just say that Kelly was busy and all of a sudden she’s back. Meanwhile I get to float in and out of these kids lives like a ghost. How convenient. This of course is all assumption… and you know what I say about assuming… to assume makes an ass out of you and me.

So here I am pulling another tooth.

I just caught a glimpse of something that he wrote to me. It’s a beautiful piece of writing and elated me to no end… I have it posted next to my computer at work. I’m amazed at how easily and suddenly things changed. I know that the things that he said and the things that he wrote were not lies; I know that he was sincere, only they were just temporary. Poof! I have a boyfriend. Poof! I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s not even the status of boyfriend that hurts me. It’s that I trusted him with everything that I am, if he’s willing to betray my trust, why should I think that he wouldn’t tell the world everything that I have told him? I love him. I mean it. I love him and I can’t be with him, even if he was able to be with me. Even if he was right in his head, even if the circumstances of our unity where completely honorable, he still hurt me. He’s right; he’s “gone about everything all wrong with me.” I thought that he was it; I thought I had found him; I thought we would bring out the best in each other; I thought we were two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together; I thought he was true; I thought it was right.

I am filled with sadness. I’m PMS’s too, so that just adds to the emotional turmoil. Thank god Aaron was at my fingertips when he said that he didn’t want contact. I cried on his shoulder, and literally soaked his shirt with my tears and snot. It was so pretty. Then I went to bum a smoke from Clayton, and he was awesome, all what’s wrong and I cried some more and he distracted me with pictures on his computer of his work (he’s so talented) and his life and Marie’s going away party, and then we watched some of that movie…Constantine which was good. And Elvis comforted me, and then Clayton fell asleep and I tiptoed out, grabbed my checkbook, walked in on Aaron and Nikki doing it, and then met up with Jen, Kevin, Renee, and Mario at Lancers. I drank about a bottle of Bailey’s on the rocks, and got the boys perspective on the whole thing. I absolutely love Kevin. It was his birthday, it was fun, and I was extremely entertaining because that’s sometimes where I go, when I feel the sadness is unbearable. Laughter seems to be the answer. Renee was all, Ruth, slow down honey; you’re going a million miles too fast. This is completely true. From now on, you need to get through an extensive screening process before I will allow myself to love you. Yeah. Well, one can dream.

So, I wish that maybe Daeman could do the things that he needs to do and then maybe we could start over. Start over the right way, in, at the least, several months time. Start by saying… -Hi, I’m Ruth. Hi Ruth, I’m Daeman. Well, it’s very nice to meet you Daeman. That Only in Dreams by Weezer song is going through my head right now.

So I’ve done all the things that I need to do, erased all his numbers from my phone, erase all his messages to me, try to forget his email. It’s all very hard to do. Especially when I just want to figure out how we got here in the first place. Frustration.

At least I’m moving in. Yeah! My first real home aside from the one I left with Asa. Who called me last night a few times, he sounded drunk, and I didn’t answer. God, I love Caller ID.

Thank you Stephanie, for helping me to seal the deal in my own head. We did make this pact that I wouldn’t allow myself to be in any more damaging relationships. Here’s to sticking to it.
I love you, Daeman, more than I have ever loved anyone. I wish that you hadn’t betrayed my trust. I wish you and yours happiness, love, and success. I’m sorry that I can’t be a part of it. Honestly, I will always love you. Goodbye.
Currently listening: Impossible Love EP By Machine Gun Fellatio Release date: By 09 September, 2003
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August 30, 2005 • Tuesday
Hurting the ones you love is the worst feeling there is.
Emotions are pretty fucking hard to deal with. Even when I was elated and in love with Asa, I was thinking suicidal thoughts because I had taken on too much, I was planning a wedding that was a month away, I was going to school part time, I was working full time, and I was over my head all the time. Something had to go. I decided that it would be school. I knew what I wanted and school took a back seat. I have done this very same thing, regretfully several times.

I wish that I could say that guilt hasn’t been an integral part of my life. Unfortunately, I grew up on the stuff. Thanks to the whole Jehovah's Witness thing. Religion can be so damaging.

I wanted to talk about my amazing experiences with my boyfriend; he really brings out the best in me. Unfortunately, relationships aren’t all sunshine and rainbows. They require work, patience, understanding, empathy, respect, and love doesn’t hurt to be thrown in there. I remember something that Ivy said to me, she said I don’t like to deal in problems; I like to deal in solutions. When there is an issue, and there will always be an issue, I try to think of it in that way. What can I do to better the situation? What can I do to help my partner? You could be asking the –what can you, will you, would you do for me, questions. They get you nowhere. I think the best way to make things work, is to give. Give. Give. Then give some more.

You win, I win, I win, you win, I lose, you win, you lose, and I lose. Shit, did that make any sense? What I think I’m trying to say here is that, if you approach any relationship, and I mean any (family, significant other, mailman) with the idea that –You should play fair. Fair meaning – eye for an eye, you hurt me, I’ll hurt you, you love me, I’ll love you. This shit doesn’t work. You love me, I love you, and if you hurt me, I’ll love you. This is the only way to be successful. People are imperfect. They will always let you down. There will always be something working against you. There will always be a disappointment in your future (even if you try not to expect anything from anyone.) The only way to be happy is to forgive with love. I’m working on this. I’m working on all of this. Understand that I got some of these idea’s from a seminar I took about the book 9 Things You Simply Must Do: To Succeed In Love and Life. I’m such a good girl quoting my sources and stuff.

Wow, am I on the self-help spin.

Thank you to Jasmin, for listening to me forever and letting me know that I need to stop idealizing everything. I truly appreciate it. I’m happy that you have entered my life to be my friend for real. Thank you again. Cheers, to more long talks about lots of other things.

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